Lady Sings The Blues

2004-08-22T17:52:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling bad about not having a baby book for Jonah. It is a small comfort that when Kids 2 and 3 come along, they will not be able to whine that the oldest has 3 scrapbooks and they have nothing because in actuality Jonah will only have photos in the camera that his mother is still not quite sure how to download into the computer and then upload to O-foto. Gad. So, I'm journaling Jonah's advances and hoping that counts. For the record, I found Jonah on a ladder around the side of the house. The first time it was completely quiet even though I was calling and calling and I was starting to worry even though I knew that no one had actually come into my backyard and taken him. And then I heard a giggle and found Jonah on this ladder. I forgot to do something about it, so a few days later I couldn't find him and this time I knew right where to go. Only this time I had to ask Jonah to come down a rung so that I could reach him.

Mr. J is also teething, which is making him sort of a biter. He likes to attack my leg with this "Ahhh" sound. Two weeks ago he did this to the side of the bath tub. Pandemonium ensued with him screaming, me screaming. He chipped his two front top teeth, but the dentist thinks neither was traumatized.

Jonah has also appointed himself to be Chris's valet in the mornings - bringing him his shoes, glasses.

I'm trying out a new exercise program. I'm also trying out eating less, which is semi-successful. Semi might be too strong a word as I don't think I've lost any weight. Tomorrow is Monday so we'll try again.

It is Sunday evening. Not a whole lot was accomplished today. Chris is going to be working some tonight, so I feel like the evening is just slipping away. And I still don't know how to download pictures. If Chris died, not only would I be completely devastated, but I'm afraid I would also find myself completely inept. And my worst fear is that I would move back home with my parents. We have so much stuff whose workings completely mystify me.

2004-07-06T09:05:00.000-07:00

I need to write some updates on Jonah, so that years from now when I have time to scrapbook I'll know what was going on.
Thus far, he contines his animal noises. He also knows nose (no), eye and knee. This weekend at my parents' house, he started to eat with a fork. Jonah loves to be read to. He will approach with a book chanting "Dubba, dubba, dubba, dubba." And then while you are opening the book, he does a shaky little bounce and makes "rrrrr" noises with his lips. Halfway through the book he will get up and get another book so that he will be ready for when the current book is finished - "a-ha" he says - presenting the next book. He really does say a ha - with the emphasis on the wrong syllable. If you are not responsive in wanting to read what he wants, he will take your hand, open it and place his book in it.

Jonah is doing great in MDO. I wish I was doing more with the time. Today I came home and cleaned house for about an hour, next I will do my Bible study. Honestly, I tried to think of something exciting last night, something I could do with this free time and nothing came to mind.

Chris is working hard. Too hard. He tells me he wants to make me proud. I don't like feeling like I'm adding pressure to an already Type-A stressed out man. I wish I could help. But I don't know how to do legal research. So I do what I can - I read to Jonah and I go to visit my parents so Chris can get some work done. The extent of my abilities makes me sigh.

2004-06-02T15:30:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling my lack of blogging keenly. And I wish I could say that I've just been far to busy traveling the coast of France or getting my new business started, or at the very least organizing my house. A friend at church last week exclaimed that it had been forever since she had seen me, what had happened to me. And honestly, I don't know where I've been. I've been feeling a little low lately - my house is grossly unorganized, I read a good book and wish that I could write like that, even this blog - I can't think of anything to write. I would like to blame that on an uninteresting life, but my husband's blog is chock full o' stuff, and he seems to be leading a similar life to mine. I think the excitement belongs to my son, who is sampling a Starbucks iced chai in his sippy cup currently and looking at framed pictures that are not on the shelf. Yesterday I must have gone over Aunt Shanon, Mommy, Tia about 15 times - he never got bored. Where is my get-up-and-go? What would Sarah Bird write in this situation? Ehh.

2004-05-25T13:46:00.000-07:00

So while Jonah continues to not talk, he has progressed in making animal noises - "What does a sheep say?" "Baa" "What does a dog say?" "Woo" The nursery ladies at the Y think he's hilarious. They are also not worried that little JW isn't talking. His 18 month check up is coming up, and I'm sure the doctor will cluck over his lack of English words, but I will stand strong in the face of adversity.

2004-04-27T06:33:00.000-07:00

My son Jonah is a Muppet. And I blame my husband entirely. To make Jonah laugh, Chris and yes, even me would shake our heads at him, mouths open, tongues wagging. Now when Jonah makes eye contact at me, he shakes his head. Only he can't do it fast yet, so it's this slow shake, a careful left to right.

I'm so looking foward to Jonah talking, but I do enjoy his baby babble - he sounds like one of the Tibetan singers in Genghis Blues, like two sounds are coming out of his throat at once. One is sort of a tongue rolling, like he's practising his Spanish R's and then it's coupled with just noise.

I'm dieting again today. Although to be honest, I think I've dieted everyday since I was fourteen. But I always wake up full of hope, so here I go again.

2004-04-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

I must be having a good week considering the dearth of blogging - I would check the spelling of the word "dearth" but my husband is using my dictionary to hold up his scanner, which I don't know how to use yet.

I actually want to update on Jonah as I won't remember the past 2 weeks worth of cuteness.
He has 2 new smiles now - one is a sly, sh**-eating grin, and I wonder what he's done, or what he's thinking of doing. the other is this sweet, half smile, like he's thinking on something serious and perhaps yearning.
Have I mentioned his fondess for toilet implements. The other month I was folding clothes in my room and happened to look out the door and saw a toilet plunger dancing by. I also find the toilet brush scattered in different rooms every week.
For Easter we had a potluck dinner with some friends from church, and I bought Easter balloons for all the kids. At least every couple of hours Jonah would run into the room towards the balloon cluster and throw up his hands in praise and yell, "Dada!" "Dada" for those who don't know generally refers to anything that he thinks is nifty. It's a problem out in public because I think most people look at us sorrowfully, that my son is so desparate for a paternal figure.
I have been concerned that Jonah has no words other than "bye-bye" - actually, let me rephrase - most of the time I'm fine that Jonah doesn't talk (I totally stood up to his doctor on this subject), but sometimes I worry. But the other day I dropped dinner off for a mom with a new baby, and her older daughter is 3 months older than Jonah, and she took 5 steps while we were there, and her mother noted that was the most she had ever taken. Jonah is currently concentrating on going down steps while facing forward. So, I think this backs up my theory that by the time these kids are 5, Jonah will be chatting, and this little girl will be running all over the playground.

I've been feeling snarky about the house as of late. I vacillate (again, spell check needed) between voicing this and thinking of ways to change the house and deciding I should keep quiet because Chris is working so much at work and on his article, and he reallly doesn't need the extra stress. I guess I should mention that I'm completely powerless to do changes to the house myself because I'm handy-capped. Like the lesbian relationship in Best in Show, I'm just the muse with the big lips sipping frappachinos, and Chris is the one who does all the work. I now have an idea for short bookshelves, which Chris knows how to build, which I do not. My friend suggested having my various women friends over to evaluate the house because as she put it, "it's not without hope; it has possibilities." Chris looked wounded when I repeated that. So, I'm trying to cottage-fy the house, and I see the honkin' big-assed TV as being in the way. i think this is all a part of a plot on Chris's part to get me to suggest getting a plasma TV that will take up less space.

2004-03-08T08:41:00.000-08:00

So.
It's been a good week looking back. And so I've not been in the mood to write much. What is it about sadness, frustration, anger and just a general mood of snarkiness that propels one's creative juices? I mean, is it just me or has Sheryl Crow's music lessened now that she has money and success? I should add the disclaimer that I've not purchased her latest albums, but I just didn't care for the cheery cover song the radio played, so please, no lawsuits.
Why don't I write so much when I'm feeling good? There must be something about angst that needs to be proclaimed. When I'm feeling good I don't particularly feel the need to share that with people, but when I'm down I'm desparate for a friend to ask me how I am really. Maybe bad feelings need to be released and good feelings can just stick around.
I'm new at writing, and I was feeling bad that I hadn't written much this past week, but honestly, I could kiss writing good-bye if I could feel this good all the time.
I had paused for a moment to think of all the things going on in my life like a little checklist - Jonah - good; Chris - good; and then I glanced into the kitchen and saw some food and remembered that I had been stressing about lack of weight loss this morning. Well, there we go! Actually the reason I haven't lost any weight is because I'm not dieting. I thought I would try this method - so far, not working so well. Maybe I should have given up sweets for Lent afterall, but it just seemed that I've always used Lent as a chance to go on a really strict diet, after all I'm not eating as vow unto the Lord!!!! So this year I vowed to read my Bible everyday instead, seemed a more holy sort of vow and not so self serving. On the treadmill this morning I was full of good ideas -write down what I eat, no cookies (till I remembered that I'm bringing snack for Moms Group tomorrow, so brownies will be baking today, Oreo brownies, and what are the odds that I won't eat an Oreo?) but then I got home and thought of all the stuff I have to do, and really do I have time to write everything down in a little notebook? Although I do like little notebooks. Rather I like to buy little notebooks, but I never use them completely. If I let myself run wild (30 Year Old Shannons Gone Wild) I would have a dozen cute books around the house half filled with everything ranging from earnest prayers and journaling to grocery lists and calorie counting.

2004-03-05T08:31:00.000-08:00

We are getting a tax refund. I went to the grocery store with this knowledge and was feeling luxurious, so I springed for the plastic bottles of Perrier. And while drinking some of my Luxury Water, Jonah noticed the pretty bottle and wanted some. I figured he wouldn't like it because THEY say little kids don't like carbonation, but guess who enjoyed his sip of bubbly and wanted some more? I was going to stand firm and not share my special water, but he was crying so that I put some in his sippy cup and vowed to drink the next bottle during his nap. I can already picture my little guy at a friend's house asking for some bubbly water with a twist of lime, if it wouldn't be too much trouble.

Jonah is showing more independence in the nursery, which is a huge step. Since he's been moved to the walker class he has generally needed to be held for the entire time I'm working out or am in church. But today I returned from working out (30 minutes on the treadmill with an incline of 8, thank you very much) and found Jonah wandering by himself and playing with the toys. Miss Gayle told me he figured out how to slide down the slide all by himself.

This has been a great week for perspective. I'm feeling it all over, and there's nothing like perspective to raise one's spirits. Now if I can just feel assured and strong in my decision to not go to my parents' for Easter, I'll be just fine...

2004-02-26T09:08:00.000-08:00

That foul cat just scratched me good. That's the thanks I get for insisting she urp on a towel instead of the carpet. I don't know why I bothered - the carpet is disgusting and is being cleaned tomorrow. Someone has a potty training manual called the $75 Potty Training - it's where you let your kid run around in underwear and figure you'll spend $75 on carpet cleaning.

I don't understand how the carpet can get so gross. I think it's because we come in the backdoor, and if it rains there's a lot of mud. I would complain more about the set up of the house, but Chris takes it personally when I do, so I'll say no more.

I'm still feeling less than joyful. I went to bed frustrated and usually a night's sleep makes me feel better, but I woke up still feeling the same, so I knew I was starting out the day on the wrong note, but I haven't been able to change it.

However, I can report that when Jonah and I are driving and we come to a stop and I offer him a Goldfish cracker, he gets the craftiest smile on his face like he's getting away with something - I think it's because I usually have more than one in my hand, or I offer a whole bowl, and it must be like a sinful pleasure - the decadence of more than one. Even now as I type and he brings me the aforementioned bowl, he starts to giggle when I open the lid. He is such a great little guy. I can't say that my problems started with his birth, but they came into focus after he was born. I want so much to enjoy him. My mother in law has suggested that maybe the reason she and my mom enjoyed their children so much was because their marriages were so hard. I don't know - if my marriage was hard too I think I would run out of the house screaming. Right now he's being so sweet and easy I wonder what my problem is. I read this book called Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood. I hated that book, and yet read it several times - some sort of horrid fascination. I went back and forth between hating Vivi and feeling so sorry for her. I'm now afraid that I will begin to identify with her. I hit the dog this morning because she was making me so crazy. But I'm not drinking grapefruit juice and vodka constantly, so maybe this will turn out ok.

2004-02-26T06:30:00.000-08:00

It is 8:30, and I'm already thinking that I still have an awfully long time till this day is over. At 7:45 I had already had too much dog and too much boy. Jonah has taken to not eating very much dinner, and so he's waking up at 5:45 ready for breakfast. I got him to stay quiet till about 6:15 this morning. And if he would just be in a good mood after getting Mommy up and making his breakfast it would probably be ok, but he just cries and snutters so much. My mother told me that colic has no bearing on his future personality. I hope that is still the case because I think he fusses an awful lot.
And to top it off I'm supposed to see The Passion tonight. Great. Lately, actually for the past year, I swear this has been God's MO - "See how much worse other people have it." Or maybe that's just me and my guilty conscience. It's been a lonely year.

I think what frustrates me most about motherhood is that there are no performance reviews. I have no idea if I'm doing a good job or not. I suppose there are baby milestones, but am I to blame if Jonah is a late talker? Some babies talk or walk late. And there's the matter of his own free will - I could be the BEST MOM EVER and Jonah could still decide to be a drag worm in Austin, wasting away on drugs. I had thought motherhood would be entirely fulfilling, and I must say that I'm rather surprised that it's not. On the one hand, that's good - there's no reason for Jonah to hold all of my significance in his not-yet-dextrous little hands, and it's too much pressure for him to be the sum total of my reason for existing. In the long term I think it will be easier for Jonah to break away from the nest.
On the other hand, I still don't have a job that I just love, feel born for, and I'm still wondering what I'm doing here, besides taking up space. I have excused every crappy job that I've had (and that would be all of them) by thinking that someday I'll do my "real" job anyway, by being a mom, and I know women who love this, but I think most of them had a satisfying career before motherhood - anyway, I've just found that so far, motherhood is not as fulfilling as I thought it would. And is that a selfish attitude anyway? I mean, to have kids to make yourself feel fulfilled?
I'm babbling. or mabye I'm blogging.

2004-02-23T11:35:00.000-08:00

Just to clarify, I'm writing this blog partly because Amy said she was praying for me and thought that I should write, but it's also my Jonah journal.
So, just to remember, Jonah and I have this game where we take turns saying, "Nnnnnuuuuhhhh" and we keep increasing (nuh -> nnuuhh -> nnnnuuuhhhh). He thinks it's funny.
Last night was Jonah's first sick night. Around midnight he woke up crying; Chris went to investigate and discovered he had thrown up. Should I mention that we had tried out Greek food that night? Jonah had been slackening his appetite all weekend, so maybe it's the Roto virus, or just some other 24 hour thing. Anyway, I spent much of the night on the couch with my little guy on my lap or next to me, trying to wake up in time to catch the exiting matter with a blanket. He seems to be fine this morning. Chris and I are exhausted.
So I'm blowing off housecleaning. I figure I'm also blowing off going to Old Navy for denium capris, so why not?
This weekend I flew to Tulsa for my college roommate's baby shower. Jenni is due in April. She's been craving Mexican food during her pregnancy, so we had a Mexican themed shower and all presents were addressed to Mexican named baby boys - I picked Luis Esteban. And then Saturday night we went out for more Mexican food. I don't know how it ends up this way, but whenever I go to Tulsa I end up overdosing on mediocre Mexican food. I was absolute joy to be with my girlfriends again. But it's so strange to see them all living in homes, discussing politics, admiring home repair. Maybe it's because I don't feel completely like an adult, more like a very young person masquerading as one, and I can't tell if my college friends are still just as young as I am, or are they really adults, and I'm alone faking it.

2004-02-20T12:24:00.000-08:00

We're headed towards the end of February. Or should it have been "headed toward the end of February"?

And I feel like progress is being made. This past year has been the hardest year of my life. Motherhood was a far greater adjustment that I thought it would be. I've always wanted to be a mom, was so excited to learn that I was pregnant, and then was just astounded that I was not fitting into this groove at all. But I feel like I'm coming up on the other side of it.

2004-02-20T12:02:00.000-08:00

This computer and accompanying printer frustrate the snot out of me. I have cancelled a print job that was not printing, and it will not go away. I was not meant for this age.
I haven't been able to write for some time. Jonah has had a cold and has been very needy. He's also been waking up nights, and once I'm awake I stay away for some time, so I've been using his nap time as a chance to nap as well.
So.
Before I forget, I want to remember how Jonah eats grapes, his trip to the zoo and his gray truck pajamas.
I've discovered that Jonah is done with canned foods - everything has to be fresh. So I've been slicing grapes for him. And he's so funny - he sticks his finger in the middle of the grape and then brings it to his mouth - it looks like a lifesaver. He did that with his flower pasta as well.
We went to the zoo yesterday with Lora and her twin boys, Philip and Thomas and Christy and her daughter Claire. The last time we went to the zoo JOnah just enjoyed the stroller ride. And of course I stressed that he didn't notice any of the animals like Lora's boys were. But this trip he really saw the animals. His favorites were the lions (had there not been a glass barrier, I'm certain he would have trotted right up to a lion and patted it on the nose) and the otters. But best of all was the petting zoo where Jonah petted the goats. One goat had a particularly ticklish ear and would shake it furiously whenever Jonah touched him. This made Jonah laugh so hard - his little nerd laugh that I can't even begin to describe in letters.
Finally, as I don't want to forget this, Jonah loves blankets - he likes to hold them when he sucks his thumb, he always goes to sleep with one, will wake up if he throws his blanket over the side of the crib. But it doesn't necessarily have to be a blanket - it can be any piece of fabric, a sock or a shirt. And his favorite is this pair of pajamas that Heather-across-the-street loaned us. they are gray and have different colored trucks printed on them, and he loves carrying them around the house. I think they are in several photographs.

Ok, just wanted to get those thoughts down before I forgot.

2004-02-08T14:05:00.000-08:00

So.
Blogging. REally I'm keeping a journal. My friend Amy said she had been praying for me and felt I should be writing/journaling. I don't have a clue what she's talking about. I'm not a writer. I can be occasionally witty in conversation, but really, any creativity stops there. But, who am I to question the nudgings of the Holy Spirit. Or Amy for that matter. Christopher blogs. And so does Adam. In fact, just about my entire Austin friend base has one of these going. I'm not telling anyone about this. If I'll be journaling about my day I certainly don't need others reading/commenting/analyzing and everything else we do when reading someone's thoughts. I'm just hoping that maybe this will be theraputic. I've journaled in the past and have always been embarrassed about what I wrote. I suspect I will be able to delete all this if need be.

2004-02-08T14:00:00.000-08:00

After Joel and Amy and Barrie all recommended that Shannon start journaling, I (Chris) recommended that she do it on a blog. So I just set it up for her. The rest is all her words.